Confessions of a broken heart, part three.
You taught me to live passionately in the moment. In this moment, I miss you. In this moment, my heart aches for things to be back to the way we had been. In this moment, I envision our future, and I feel such a strong longing that it hurts. In this moment, it hurts.

There are things that remind me of you. More frequently than I would have possibly expected. My brother & Melanie explaining a game to my parents (Tellustrations) that we had played the night you met them. (The cookie cutter = miracle of birth story, in particular.) Just, random things. How I told my friends about a month ago, that whenever are officially planning a wedding and doing things like making a registry, that I was going to strongly suggest we register for a Kurig Coffee Machine. They're amazing. Today, when my brother was discussing all the amazingness of his machine he has, again, I thought of you. Is that ridiculous? Probably.

I thought Christmas was going to be easier than it is. Perhaps that's just my sheer exhaustion. Truth is, though, right now I want to pick up my phone and text you. I want to call you. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas, tell you that I love you, and hear your voice. I want to cuddle up with you and snuggle. Skye can play with her new christmas things, lets cuddle and go back to bed while she plays.

It was supposed to be my last Christmas in Michigan. Again, right now, I am envisioning everything we planned for, hoped for, and dreamed for together. I long for it. But sooner or later, I have to face the facts. I'm getting left behind. You're letting go of our dreams. I'm the only one standing here, keeping up the promises. Our love, once so strong and amazing, has become unrequited, and I'm not sure how I'll ever deal with it.

In this moment, I'm afraid. You've meant too much to me to lose you entirely, but.. that's the only way this story of ours ends. Every day I realize this more and more. Every day the thought haunts me. I will never be able to watch you give your heart to another woman. Ever. Half a year ago, before I fully gave into us and these feelings, I told you that ultimately I just wanted you to be happy, even if it was with someone who wasn't me.

I gave in, though. I gave in to everything I was feeling, and loved you (still do) so deeply, that yes, I want you to be happy. Just... not with someone else.. With me.

I'm slowly invalidating every moment we had together. I'm slowly starting to do what you did the moment the emotional wedge made the physical distance too much. I'm remembering and thinking only of any negative thing. I'm doubting you. I'm doubting every word you ever said. I'm starting to write it off as the fact that you're in love with love, you were never in love with me. I'm starting to believe that you went through the motions with me, simply because I was there, giving you the love and attention you needed, but it was never about me. It was about you. I'm starting to feel like the reason you can walk away from me, is because you never loved me. You just loved... love.

If you felt, toward me, the way I feel toward you, then you would never walk away. You'd fight for me, like you did before. You'd stick with me, forever, like you promised. We'd dream our dreams, plan our plans, and in half a year, we'd start a home together. Half a year. That's all we had left. We were so close to having our beginning.

A lot can happen in half a year. You can realize that you made a mistake. You can come back. But what if it's too late?

I'm starting to rebuild the walls. Stone by stone, brick by brick. The walls it took you all this time to make me break down entirely... if they get back in place - will we ever have a chance? Will I ever be able to let you in again? I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

The only thing I'm absolutely certain about is that I'm so in love with you that I can't shake it. And right now, in this moment, that sucks.

We could have been epic. Even you agree. You said what we had was not just good, it was great. You said I was amazing in every way possible. You said I was a part of you. You said a lot of things... even in the end. How can you mean them and still walk away?

Again, in this moment, I've begun to invalidate everything. I've begun to rationalize all of this as to being entirely in my head. This entire time. That I took your words too seriously. That I believed you too strongly. That I loved you too much. That it was never that deep. That it was never that serious. It was all fun in games in our dreaming, it was never real.

If I continue doing this.. Well, I don't know the girl that you'll meet when you realize you were wrong.

To whomever your next girlfriend is... I hope she realizes how amazing you are. You're a catch. You're worth holding onto. You're smart, talented, witty, funny, sweet, romantic, and just an amazing light into this world. I hope she doesn't take it for granted. For your sake. For my sake, I hope she does. I hope she never realizes how amazing you are, because then maybe I'll still have a chance... but for your sake... well... like I said, I've always wanted you to be happy.

If you're made for me... If you meant what you've said, even half of it... neither of us will be happy with someone else. You'll always feel like your settling, knowing I'm out there in the world for you -- these were your words, too.

So should I just keep calm and wait for you to realize it? I was drawn back into you and into us when it was me who walked away. "Prayer, faith, and patience will fix every problem, every time." This was a recent facebook status of a friend of mine. Exactly when I needed to see it. I know God's hand was in that -- that's his answer to me. I guess he never said it would be easy.

I guess, now, it's time to focus on me and me alone. I'm going to start channeling all of this. This anger. This longing. This intensity. Everything, into my weight loss efforts. I'm going to be the best me I can be. In time, we'll either work it out, or I'll get over you. A little more every day.

I cannot predict the future. Lord knows, that right now, I wish that I could.

Merry Christmas. I love you. Don't take too long to realize that you meant everything you have ever said to me. I cannot be the one to knock the sense into you, you've got to figure it out for yourself... just don't take too long. Once the walls go back up, or I've managed to rationalize my way into invalidating our entire relationship... there might not ever be any going back for us.

Maybe in another lifetime, we will manage to work it out.