Confessions of a broken heart, part two.
Last night he plagued my dreams. I say the word plague, but not all the dreams were bad. They all featured him, but they weren't all bad. I was surprised, this morning, that I didn't wake up until my alarm was ready to go off. It was the first night since he broke the news to me that I've made it all night.

I remember one dream. We were at a zoo. I'm not entirely sure if it was The Toledo Zoo, the Detroit Zoo, or the Chicago Zoo... but it was a zoo. I guess the location doesn't matter that much. We got married, right there, on the spot at the zoo. In front of the Polar Bear exhibits. (For those who don't know, Polar Bears are definitely at the top of my list for favorite animals). On the spot. It wasn't a planned wedding. It was a spur of the moment eloping. How someone who was ordained to marry us was at the zoo, and we knew to ask them... the dream didn't show those details.

It showed us getting married, and then breaking the news to our friends and family. We were so happy. Nothing could stop us. It was perfect.

Why was my subconscious torturing me with something that, as of right now, has become an unattainable dream?

The second dream, I think, fit more with today's reality. I put a comment on his facebook in this dream. Public for everyone to see. "I feel like I need to stop, you say I could never bother you, but over 100 text messages between us since you're e-mail... I'm sorry." In my dream he responded that he hopes I don't stop bugging him for a very, very long time. It was all the other responses, however, that came to my post on that facebook wall that my dream self didn't know how to handle. Ex-girlfriends of his, telling me that they could relate. That he was very hard to get over, and someone no one wanted to lose, but at least they managed to save a friendship. Except, each one that responded, were talking about how it was better they broke up. They had issues getting along when they were together, that only as friends have they managed to not fight all the time.

Even my dream-self realized he and I had been different than that. We got along so perfectly. We fit so well. We might have irritated each other now and then, but we didn't fight. We didn't have drama. We just... fit.

Even if the second dream was more resembling the first, I prefer the first one.


Christmas is in a couple of days. Christmas itself isn't going to be hard to get through, because this year, we would have been spending Christmas away from one another as it is. It's a little tough though, because a couple weeks ago, I was telling my friends that this was the last Christmas Skye & I would be having in Michigan, and next year the Holiday would be significantly different. I couldn't wait to get and decorate a Christmas tree in our place... it would have been amazing.

This year, though, I knew I wasn't going to see him at Christmas. He had his family stuff. I had my family stuff. And as of this point in our relationship, we weren't at the choose one family and do the holiday together at either/or. I guess, particularly, because there was an eight year old involved, and I couldn't, at this point in time, ask her to spend Christmas away from Michigan - not to mention my inability to get time off of work until AFTER Christmas.

My biggest disappointment? I had found the perfect Christmas present for him. I was so excited and thrilled to be buying it for him, I couldn't wait to give it to him, etc... A remote control helicopter. He already knows this, now, so even if he is reading this, it's not a surprise. Why is this a perfect gift? Well, in October he and I were walking around the mall. Not for any particular reason, but to kill some time during the day. We'd had a relatively lazy morning in bed all morning, and it was getting closer and closer to time that I needed to pick Skye up from School, so we walked around the mall a bit. (He bought himself a pair of earrings, of course he only needed one of the pair, from the Icing and complained that it was too much to spend on an earring, and yet bought it anyway. Boys.) At the mall, he made a comment as we were passing one of those vendors that are in the center of the walkways. They were demonstrating remote control helicopter. He simply said "I've always wanted a remote control helicopter". The conversation was over before it began, we were talking about the next subject two seconds later, but in the small moment, a very small comment was made, and it stuck with me. I knew getting him a remote control helicopter was perfect. It was something I knew he wanted, which is important, but it would also show him that I paid attention to him, even in the small understated moments.

Besides, it was a more practical gift to give to him than buying him an electronic piano keyboard. That was the other thing on my list of potential gifts. I knew he wanted one, he mentioned it in November. I was stalking sales on them to see if there was ever a too good to be true deal. But when I went to the store and saw all the many different kinds, sizes, and features, I realized it was a gift he'd need to pick out for himself. That got put on hold until our next birthdays came around. (Though, if we became officially engaged before that time, I was going to suggest we put it on our wedding registry...)

New Years Eve is going to be significantly harder. Back in September I put in for the time off. I have paid vacation for New Years Eve, with the intention of spending it with him. I didn't care if he was in Michigan, or if I was in Illinois, I just wanted to be with him, when the clock struck midnight, and 2012 began. After all 2012 was going to be the year all our dreams would begin coming true.

So now I've got six days off in a row around New Years. Six days off to realize I'm not with him. To realize I didn't get to kiss him at midnight and start 2012 off on the right foot. I kind of just wish we could fast forward to February. Maybe by February I'll be okay with everything, or, maybe by February we'll be fixed. He said, himself, we're fixable. We can get through this. We can be a hundred times stronger for this. But we can't fix us until he wants to fix us. His confusion hurts my heart.

I hope that during my time off I can still see him. Every day I realize that's less likely, because every day comes and goes and he doesn't give me a day/time for us, like he had said he would. Even if it's not New Years Eve itself... I just want to see him.

I just... I want to know, point blank, if he really thinks this is worth the risk. Is it worth the risk of losing me forever? If he loves me as much as he says? If he believes in us, what we were and could have been? Is it really worth the risk? Who willingly walks away from the kind of love we have had between us, the kind of love I'm offering him... who walks away from that?

Him, I suppose. Me. I walked away from that before, too. At least he did me better than I did him; he had the decency to be honest and up front about it. He's not cutting himself off from me entirely, just from the romantic aspect of our relationship.

So, here's my next question. How do I remain just friends with him? If he starts dating someone else it's going to kill me to stand by and see this. Is he going to have the same reaction if I start dating someone else? Is it going to bother him as much as it will bother me? I really, really can't stand to lose his friendship. I've bared my heart, my soul, my everything for him in a way that I've never done before, I'm supposed to let go of that, too? I don't know. Which way to go?

He said we are standing at a fork in the roads, he and I. Together. Which is interesting his choice of words, it implies that I'm the one there with him and he wants me to show him that we're supposed to choose the next direction together. I worry. There's one path that will lead us to our happily ever after, our new beginning. There's one path that will take us further from that, but at least we're still friends. There's one path that we lose it all. Everything. Friendship, too.

How do I avoid that path? I'm not sure.

I've fought like hell. I've held nothing back. If he doesn't choose to keep at our future with me... Maybe I'll just be the one left behind as he chooses and continues on a path. I'm certainly not ready to head down any path except one that leads to our forever.

He promised me forever. He meant it at the time.

I feel like I need to take this time to focus on me, and me alone. I need to channel all this energy into my work outs. I need to become the best me that I can be. Then maybe we'll get the timing right.

Or maybe, the hopeless romantic and dreamer he is, will have already given his heart to someone else, and our forever would be lost.

I wish I could go forward in time. Take me to December 2012. Give me a glimpse of myself, of us. So I can make my choices to reflect it and the uncertainty can pass.

I have ever desire and intention to marry that boy some day... but each day I feel further and further from him.

(Also, to the boy in question... next time you find yourself trying to end things with a girl, unless you want her to fight as hard as I did, it's important that you don't use words like "might choose a different future". Might. Implying your own uncertainty on which way to go. It doesn't make it easier, it makes the situation so much worse. Also, to the boy in question, I still love you.)

There was a lyric in a song, and I wish he could really reflect on it. "If you're forced to choose, choose the one that means the most to you." If he lived by that advice, I think the results of right now would be different.

I don't know how long it will take me, how many of these posts you'll see, before I am truly okay. I'm purposefully keeping them unlocked. I'd like him to read these, too. To know what's on my mind, in my heart... I just have to decide when, and if, I'm going to send him the links.

"You can never bother me, you are a part of me." His words. Less than a week ago. His words, after he said he was probably choosing a different future from ours. If I'm a part of you, why do you want to leave me behind?